Does God Love Her More than Me?

One of the aspects of being the theology nerd of the family (as a student of the field for almost six years now) is that I am the family member who gets calls and texts about theological matters.  Bible stories, Church teachings, morality, you name it.  It's a little amusing to me, as we all know our faith well (having been a homeschooling Catholic family).  But it's also a great honor.

One of those messages has got me thinking hard about the importance of knowing our faith in the context of a lived relationship with God.

It was about an encounter that one of my siblings had this summer in a small group discussion, and this sibling told me that she has been thinking about it for a while and has been wrestling with it.

First of all, I want to affirm that the wrestling is good.  To wrestle with a matter of our faith is a commendable thing insofar as it is a desire to know the truth and a firm conviction to believe.  This wrestling says: "I want to know the answer."  It isn't doubt, it isn't dissent; it's just what it is - wrestling.  Seeking.  Searching.

My sibling had this encounter with a person who believed that God loves good people more than He loves sinners.  This sibling of mine then told me that she and the others in her small group spent the rest of the time trying to explain "...that God loves each of us with perfect love.  He loves each person and longs for a relationship with them, whether they're sinful or not," and that He especially wants to call sinners to relationship with Him.  They also reminded this person of the story of the Prodigal Son.  (Nice work, young church! You're definitely on the right track! #proudofyou) While they were not able to finish the discussion, the person's thoughts on the matter didn't change, and this person also expressed their belief "...that a perfect parent should love the good child more than the bad child."  This person also brought up Mary - does God love Mary more than the rest of humanity?  The person fielding questions at that time answered "yes."

[I should preface this by saying that some theologians have a different stance on this than I do.  The content of this post is my response as a person of faith.  It's not doctrine.  But it is informed by Scripture and Tradition, as well as my relationship with the Lord.]

I don't want to jump to any conclusions about this person's beliefs or understanding.  Again, wrestling is good.  But I have to say that what stands out to me the most in this argument is a perception of God (particularly God the Father) that falls short, and can indeed go down a road that leads us to a very flawed and frightening image of the Father.

Such an understanding of God paints Him as a disciplinarian, who only likes the perfect children who don't make mistakes.  But, first of all, does that seem realistic?  I am not a parent, but I have two incredible loving parents who have loved me in my mistakes and in my struggles, and who have expressed to me how proud they are of me even in the midst of those hard times.  Good parenting is reflective of God's parenting.  And loving one child more than the other because they are better behaved does not sound like good parenting to me.  You don't love one less than the other; you love them differently.  The "good child" does not need as much encouragement to do right, but may need the affirmation afterwards to help them press on.  Or, the "good child" may need some lessons in humility.  The "bad child" (and I really don't like that wording because it's so contrary to how God sees us) needs more encouragement to do what is right, and even more affirmation when they do the right thing.

Both children need to know deeply that they are loved. 

Does God love good people more than He loves sinners?

This idea also speaks to me of an understanding of grace that is very quantitative.  It's a way of thinking about grace that can be found among many Catholics, I think.  It's the idea that we need to "get" more grace, like it's something we can quantitatively measure, and we fill up the "grace stores" in our souls by doing things like praying and receiving the sacraments and doing acts of kindness.

Not a totally wrong idea about grace, but not the best understanding of it either.

The Catechism calls grace the very life of God.  When we are baptized, we are born into that life of God, the life of sanctifying grace.  We also understand that the Trinity is an eternal exchange of love.  The Father pours out all that He has and is in love to the Son, who pours out all that He has and is to the Spirit, and this love between them is its own person, the Holy Spirit.  Grace is a participation in the divine life of God - a participation in the eternal exchange of love.

So we don't "get more grace" and somehow become holier automatically.  It's not like you stick a grace coin in the vending machine and holiness comes out.

No.  The life of faith is a relationship with God.  When I go to the sacraments, or pray, or carry out works of mercy, I am responding to that invitation to participate in God's very life of love.  The more I respond to that, the deeper that I enter into God's life, so that His ways and His love and His life begin to inform and transform me so that I can become more and more like Him (and paradoxically more and more like myself, my real true self that is).

When I choose to sin, I choose to not participate in God's life.  If it is a venial sin, we might compare that to a sort of slow inching away from the relationship - it's not drastic, but the repetition has an affect.  A mortal sin is a rejection of the relationship, a decision to turn away completely.

It is important that we understand sin and punishment correctly.  One of my professors this summer, Monsignor Heintz, put it to me and my classmates this way.  When the first man and the first woman sinned, it was not as though God saw this happen and His response looked something like this: "Well, they messed it up.  Let me take a look at my punishment shelf.  Let's see, what can we do to make them realize how serious this is?" No!  That's not what God does.  That's not what original sin is.  Rather, the original sin was what St. Augustine calls a "turning in on oneself."  It is like a sunflower deciding that it will turn away from the sun and no longer receive any light from it.  Does the sun kill the flower?  No!  The sunflower turns in on itself and, as a consequence of nature, dies.  Because you can't turn away from the source of life and still expect to live.  (God holds you in existence whether you like it or not because He's that loving!  But the life you will lead for all eternity is up to you and your responsiveness to His grace).

I receive grace when I respond to it, when I choose to enter into the life of God more fully and thus become more like Him.  I sin when I turn away from that life of God and choose to go my own way rather than follow His loving design.

The saints are those who chose to respond to God's grace in their lives.  They are the ones who chose day by day to enter into that eternal exchange of love by striving to lead lives of holiness and receiving His grace.

Does that mean that He loves them more?

I don't think we can say that.  He favors them because they are responsive to His grace and they receive His life.  But favor is not the same as love.  An example may be helpful here.

St. Padre Pio was an amazing saint, right?  He could read souls, he had the stigmata, he would levitate when he said Mass, and much more.  But Padre Pio does not receive these gifts of mysticism because "God loves Him more."  No.  In fact, these gifts are outward indicators of an inner reality.  They are meant to be signs to us of the extent to which Padre Pio has responded to God and entered into the eternal exchange of love.  They are signs that Padre Pio has a relationship with God that is so deep, and Padre Pio participates in the eternal exchange of love (the life of God, grace) to such a degree that it bursts forth in his being in physical, visible manifestations that are given to Padre Pio by God.  Because Padre Pio participates in the life of God so fully, with all of his being, God's power and miracles are manifested in and through Padre Pio's life and work.  Just as sin, a turning away from God, has consequences, choosing to do God's will and live the life of grace has fruits.  The saints are those people who are so united to God, by His grace and by their free choice, that their communion with Him, which is so strong and powerful on the inside, begins to shine through on the outside in sometimes mysterious ways (or sometimes in ways that are not immediately obvious - for example, the incorruptibles).

Does that mean God loves Padre Pio or these saints who were mystics or had special gifts more than He loves me?

I don't think so.  God loves Padre Pio differently than He loves me.  He loves me and has a relationship with me that is unique to me.  Just like God's relationship with Padre Pio is unique to Padre Pio.  There are common factors in each of our relationships with God, sure enough; but no two of us have the exact same relationship with God.  How amazing is that?!

To illustrate that point, here is a story about St. Teresa of Avila.

St. Teresa of Jesus (Teresa of Avila) often meditated upon the great humility of Jesus in His Incarnation, and she always traveled with her statue of the Infant Jesus when she was establishing new convents.  ...Her devotion to the Infant Jesus was established after a very edifying incident.  One day Teresa of Avila was coing down the steps of her oncvent when she saw a beautiful young boy.  The Child spoke to her and said: "Who are you?" So Teresa answered: "I am Teresa of Jesus.  And who are you?"  The Child answered with a play of words: "I am Jesus of Teresa!" and then He disappeared (www.mysticsofthechurch.com).  

"I am Jesus of Teresa."  He says that to each one of us.  I am Jesus of Rachel.  I am Jesus of John.  I am Jesus of Katie.  I am Jesus of Carlos.  I am Jesus of Hannah.  I am Jesus of Paul.

What about Mary?

Does God love Mary more than He loves me?


This one is a little different than the last question because in the last question we are talking about ordinary human beings who all experience original sin and its effects. Mary is in a category of her own. She is immaculately conceived.


Does God love her more? Well, I think if He does He has a reason to - she's His mom!! Nobody else has that role in His life.


But I think we need to understand a few things about Mary if we're to come to the right conclusion to this question. Why was Mary immaculately conceived? Was it because God wanted to make sure that He had the perfect mother? Let's turn to the Catechism of the Catholic Church:


To become mother of the Savior, Mary "was enriched by God with gifts appropriate to such a role." The angel Gabriel at the moment of the annunciation salutes her as "full of grace." In fact, in order for Mary to give the free assent of her faith to the announcement of her vocation, it was necessary that she be wholly borne by God's grace (CCC 490).


Mary receives the gift of being immaculately conceived because God wants her to be able to say yes to His plan for salvation with all of her being. But it's important that we remember that Mary still calls the Lord her savior. Jesus is still Mary's savior. He still redeems her. Mary still stands in need of redemption like the rest of us. She is unique in the sense that God applies this redemption to her ahead of time in order that she may be a ready tabernacle for the Word Incarnate. God and sin are incompatible, so if Mary had been a sinner, bearing the guilt or effects of original sin, when Jesus was conceived in her womb, who knows if she could have survived that! After all, Uzzah, in 2 Samuel 6, died from stretching out his hand to steady the Ark of the Covenant when they were moving it. The presence and holiness of God was too great for Uzzah; he couldn't survive contact with it. More to the point, and perhaps easier to understand is, as the Catechism says, God wanted Mary to be able to say "yes" to the announcement of her vocation to be mother of the Son of God with all of her being and in total faith. This was only possible if she was free from original sin - if she was unhindered by the darkened intellect and weakened will that we inherit from our first parents, if she had no attachment to sin, if she had no trace of sin in her being.


Therefore, Mary's choice to do God's will was still her choice. It was a free choice. But in order that this choice could be totally perfect and totally free, God redeemed Mary ahead of time. Mary chooses to cooperate in God's plan and participate in His life with all of her being, and so she is full of grace.


St. Augustine says, "Mary is more blessed because she embraces faith in Christ than because she conceives the flesh of Christ." Therefore, Mary's holiness is essentially like that of the saints - it is the result of her full giving over of herself in faith to God's plan and God's love. Hers is unique in that it was made by a woman who was preserved from all original sin; but she was preserved from original sin in order that she could give that full and total yes to God's plan and receive the Creator of the Universe into her womb.


Another passage from Scripture stands out to me here: Matthew 12:46-50. 

While he was still speaking to the crowds, his mother and his brothers appeared outside, wishing to speak with him. [Someone told him, “Your mother and your brothers are standing outside, asking to speak with you.”] But he said in reply to the one who told him, “Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?” And stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my heavenly Father is my brother, and sister, and mother.”

I think this passage has something to say to this question.  Jesus' close relatives seem to expect a kind of special treatment here.  But what does Jesus say?  "Here are my mother and my brothers.  For whoever does the will of my heavenly Father is my brother, and sister, and mother." 

Now of course this is no snub to the Blessed Mother.  After all, who was the first to do the will of the Father wholeheartedly in response to the New Covenant?  Mary! 

A saint, or good person, is the one who chooses to cooperate with and enter into that eternal exchange of love that is God's own essence. A sinner is the one who fails to do that. But that failure can be a full-out rejection of God, or it may just be a sin of habit that this sinner is desperately trying to break. Does God love that person less than He loves the person who does His will all the time (which, unless you're Mary, none of us do)? No! In fact, remember what Jesus says in the parable of the Good Shepherd:
Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance (Luke 15:7).  

God does not love you less if you are a sinner.  You experience His grace less because you turn away from it.  You cut yourself off from His life that is the eternal exchange of love.  But His love for you does not decrease.  His love for you is not something you can measure on a scale.  It goes deeper than you can imagine!  And He aches for a relationship with each and every one of us - saint, and sinner, and all those in between.

God does not love you more if you are a good person.  But we experience His love in our lives in a stronger and more obvious way because we allow His grace to permeate our lives.  That is what a saint is - a person who lets the grace of God permeate every aspect of who they are.

A saint is a sinner who keeps trying.  God does not love them less for trying.  Think of a parent who sees their child - the one who has a harder time knowing what the right thing to do is and who has a hard time doing the right thing when they do know it - trying so hard to be a good person?  I'm not a parent, but I know that my heart swells with pride when I see someone I care about taking even a small step closer to our Lord.  Just think about how much the Father must delight in it!

And as for those who openly refuse to receive God's love, His heart breaks for them.  But He still wants them.  He always wants them.  He always wants us.  He longs for us.  He thirsts for us.  That includes the worst sinner on this earth or in all of history.  He wants a relationship with them; but they turn away from Him.  He does not stop loving them.  He never stops loving them.  If He did, they would cease to exist.

God doesn't expect you to be perfect before you can come to Him

I think this fear or idea that God loves this or that person more than He loves me comes from this idea that we have to be perfect in order to be lovable.  But that is not at all what God expects of us!  He wants us to come to Him as we are, in all of our messiness and mistakes, so that we can work together with Him on becoming Who He made us to be.  God does not look for us to impress Him before He will shower us with His love.  A good parent doesn't wait for their newborn baby to impress them before they shower them with love!

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light (Matthew 11:28-30).  

God wants us to be at rest in Him.  He wants to take our burdens, the burdens that sin and this world place on our shoulders, and to give us rest.  He does not expect us to do it alone.  That's not what love does.

Do you know Him?

What it comes down to is knowing Who God is by having a relationship with Him.  When you pray and you encounter God as He is, and you let Him speak to your heart, and you do that on a regular basis (hopefully every day), you come to know Him in a personal way.  You come to know Him in such a way that when people say something about God that doesn't agree with your encounter with Him in prayer, the red flags go up in your mind and you can say: "That's not what God is like, and I know that because I know Him."

I would like to close with an excerpt of dialogue from the movie "Full of Grace," a movie centering on the Blessed Mother and St. Peter 10 years after Christ's resurrection and ascension.  Peter faces many challenges as the shepherd of a growing Church.  Certain proclaimed followers of the Lord and leading people astray with false or fanciful teachings.  Peter confides to the Blessed Mother saying:

"They used to live with the truth in their hearts.  Now they try to live with the truth in their heads, and they try to make sense of things they were never meant to understand.  ...They want to pick apart the living word until their minds are exhausted.  They demand something new; even greater signs that we really do know the truth.... The men that I speak of know what our Lord has to offer.  And yet they choose to be swayed every way the wind blows. ...What would you say to them?" 

Our Lady, with simple wisdom replies:

"I would say that they know the truth, but they do not know Him."  

Don't let this be you....  Don't just know the truth; know Him Who is the Truth.  Know Him as He longs to be known by you; let Him know you deeply and personally, and let it change you.  One of the most heartbreaking verses in the Gospel to my ears is Matthew 7:22-23, when Jesus describes Last Judgment:

Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name? Did we not drive out demons in your name? Did we not do mighty deeds in your name?’ Then I will declare to them solemnly, ‘I never knew you. Depart from me...."

When we know Him, when we really know Him, we know how much we are loved, even in the midst of our suffering and struggles. 

You are loved more than you will ever know.  Do not fear.  Let Him know you.  Let Him love you.  And walk with Him. 

In Christ's Heart,
the Itinerant Catechist